Thursday, 1 August 2013

Catwoman (2004)





















A spin off about Catwoman that would follow on from the heavily gothic Burton Batman sequel, or so we all thought. Everything seemed good to go, Pfeiffer was set to return and Burton was gonna direct, but like always in Hollywood things changed and a whole new group of people were brought in.

The plot? the plot is actually about makeup! in-destructable makeup, yep that's right. In this film the villain is creating a makeup that inadvertently makes your skin as solid as rock, hence you are unable to feel pain or suffer injury. Drawback being if you stop using it it will scar your face up badly. So its up to errr...someone called Patience Phillips to save the day.

Oh the problems, so many! First up if you're expecting to see Gotham City forget it, this isn't Gotham. I'm not sure where it is actually but I don't believe its Gotham, its never mentioned as far as I'm aware. As we already know the character isn't Selina Kyle either, why? I dunno, so they take the opportunity to make Catwoman black with Halle Berry. Now I don't want delve too far into this issue but for me Catwoman is white, simple as that, yes I know Eartha Kitt has played her but still, essentially the character is white so why change that lore so dramatically?

Moving on, the outfit, oh jesus! what were they thinking. There really is nothing to say here other than its dreadful, purely dreadful, she doesn't look like Catwoman...a master thief/anti hero, she looks more like Catwoman...the sleazy hooker. The look merely consists of ripped (around the her ass strategically) black leather pants and a black leather bra...oh and the most stupid looking mask I've seen for some time, looks like its gonna fall off at any moment. It doesn't help that she has some hideous makeup work on her too, really nasty looking.

The film is chock full of terrible CGI, really bad looking stuff as Catwoman scurries up and down walls and acrobatically flips all over the show as if she were an insect, Spider-Woman. This leads me back to the plot idea here. The character is killed and changed into a 'cat woman' by some mystical feline that just happened to be there at the time. Why? not sure, the cat is owned by some good witch-like character, a spiritualist kinda person, apparently the cat chose Berry's character, the cat is a messenger of some Goddess or something. Still doesn't answer anything really.

From here on our heroine develops cat-like super powers that enable her to crawl up and down walls, leap from massive heights, be well versed in martial arts and have cat-like hearing and sight....just like regular cats really. So we now know this film isn't about the DC comic book character, its actually about a completely different character that has nothing to do with the Batman universe, she's simply a cat woman, not Catwoman, but a cat woman. A woman who died, got resurrected by a mythical cat and was given cat-like super powers. Just happens to call herself Catwoman.

I still don't really get why you would get all those abilities from being resurrected by a cat? do cats know martial arts? OK I'm being silly but seriously, why would you become a martial arts master?! becoming more agile and athletic sure but martial arts?? And do cats regularly climb up and down walls, across the ceiling and jump out of lofty buildings?? wut!??

Of course there are so many problems with this disaster I can't even recall them all. Berry is kinda OK for the role but she is made to look and act like some kind of slutty diva/hooker. I mean really, the way she walks and carries on, its not sexy it embarrassing! I've never seen someone try so hard to be slinky and sexy...ever! Its really awkward to watch as she purrs and meows trying to raise the average male viewers temperature, its so cheesy, did she actually try to be Eartha Kitt?

Mind you Sharon Stone looks awful too, how much makeup?? geez! her haircut looks terrible and the fight sequence between her and Berry is laughable. She's an everyday executive for a makeup company yet when it comes to the crunch she can fight against a martial arts supremo? wow she kept some secrets then.

An utter shambles frankly, nothing to do with what you expect...in any aspect, virtually an independent film and character. Its a shame because I'm sure this could of been pretty neat with the right people involved, its just hard to believe what we see up on the screen got approved! I think the only thing I can be positive about is the final shot in the film where she walks off across the rooftops against a full moon. That is the only nice true comic book visual of the entire film, the end.

1/10